Political Fantasy

Two friends or, maybe, better said a "Candidate" and his "Most Staunch Supporter", hide in the woods. The human hunt is on. All Candidates to the Country's Presidency are out there, hunting each other. This hunt is officially called "Creative Criticism".

The "Criticized" one has either to kill or be killed, as per the Rule of the Fittest.

Slinging mud is an accepted way of fighting, only the mud to sling is not just a handful, but a whole landslide, enough to cover a standing Candidate and suffocate him to death.

Do not misunderstand me, please -- there are, here and there, Candidates of the female persuasion, but these are the first to fall victims of the "Creative Criticism", them being the easier to kill.

The remaining Candidates are the luckiest, or the ruthlessest, and the country follows the "Creative Criticism" (or, like I already said -- the hunt) from as far away as possible, for to be close up and personal means to be dead without financial compensation (if you do not believe me, see the small print on any Life Insurance Policy).

Our Candidate is not the luckiest or the ruthlessest, but survives because of his Most Staunch Supporter's knowledge in the matter. Until now, the C (Candidate) has been pulled off stages before uttering one single word by his MSS (Most Staunch Supporter) for it is known that the soul of each person is represented as a bird, and if you open your mouth in public and let the birdie fly, you are a dead man.

The same MSS has forced the C to duck, swim under water, hide in smelly, disgusting places, avoid falling timber, mud avalanches, character assassinations, public speeches, hand shaking and baby kissing (opponents can easily use fake hands or fake babies to explode a C out of this world).

It is always the MSS's task to keep his C out of collimators and the best way to do this is to be inconspicuously "Not There" in any fight, but especially in a fight for "Peace and Freedom".

Fact -- The biggest army wins. If you have no army, keep out of the line of fire and you might survive another election!

Remember please -- C stands for Candidate not for Coward. No matter what the news media say, many a reporter are "criticized" out of their life during the "Creative Criticism" of an election. Unhappily, to Report, you Must-be-There! This is the law for reporting. On the other hand, for a Candidate, after submitting your name (which is an act of selfless courage and devotion to an Abstract Ideal in itself) you do not have to do anything else but survive the Hunt (sorry about this omission -- I meant the "Creative Criticism").

For survival, you need an MSS. His role is exactly this -- to help you survive against all odds. If you don't (survive), you might hope your MSS to shortly follow you in the next world, though there is no guarantee...

Our C and his MSS are comfortably hiding in some bushes in the woods, when the foliage starts moving violently from all sides. They are discovered, the fight is over...

"The fight is over!" shouts one of the attackers enthusiastically. "The last opponents have died in a Word Duel during an open debate. They used unusually sharp and explosive words. It was all over the TV cameras, pieces of them flew all over the place, all the country saw this happen!"

"You may come out. The election has been won by you -- you are the last Candidate alive!"

"Congratulations, Mr. President!" And thus, without much ado, our C becomes Mr. P.

One problem though -- Mr. P must be present at the numerous parties given in his honor, so his MSS becomes P.M. and starts to take care of business.

What is P.M. you may ask? Well... it can be many things, like Post Meridiem or Post Mortem, or one of them things may be even Parochial Minister; but here we discuss politics, so of course, he is the Prime Minister and has nothing in common with religion aside from an occasional "so help me God".

A much-honored habit of the country is the "Political Suicide". As this is a fantasy in politics, you may not be acquainted with this country's habits. An explanation is in order:

After the election of a new Mr. P, any person can go to the presidential palace and, during a very short interview, can tell in not too many words what he or she thinks about the new government. The harsher the words, the harsher the punishment, but on the sunny side, no matter what the punishment, the family of the protestant is taken care of by the government.

So, on the first day in office, the new P.M. sits in his office and receives as many Protestants (read please as "protestatars" and not as a religious sect) as possible, in the presence of a well skilled jury who has only one function -- to assess the order of gravity of the insults proffered. The highest insults result in death penalty, which is most desirable, as the family will never-ever need for a single thing in their lives. They become state wards and thus, every contestant vies for the topmost score. The rest of the Protestants receive prorated sentences, their length being proportional with the score the insults proffered bring them. Their families are cared for by the state for the duration of the incarceration.

The P.M. is dressed with much care, in clothes fit for the occasion -- slick, impermeable to most liquids, including most potent acids, and sits well behind a Plexiglas partition intended to stop the bulk of projectiles that otherwise might make the P.M.'s stay in office very short indeed.

This morning, the first complainant starts with "You are a bunch of dirty liars, scum of the Earth, all your election promises..." but he does not get much further.

The P.M. has another idea. "Dear sir, I appreciate your desire to apply "Creative Criticism" as the law permits you, but you should know that "Election Promises" are just that -- promises made to win the election, not to be kept! What comes next, is real life, and I have not yet heard a word of "Constructive Criticism" from you."

"What" retorts the Complainant, "would you like to hear? That the food policy till now has destroyed all local agriculture? or that buying products from other countries has reduced our country's industry to zero? or that cutting and selling trees has completely deforested our mountains, raising the erosion effects to an unheard-of level? Or that the mud slides resulted from the increased instability of slopes due to said deforestation have covered three of your opponents alive?"

"Yes, that's what I want to hear." The P.M. looks calmly at the aggravated person on the other side of the Plexiglas partition and asks, "What would you like to do first?"

A moment of perplexed silence, and the combative protestant exclaims, "I would stop all imports and force all to buy local products, and thus, industry and agriculture would be revived. I would lower prices, so you could lower salaries without forcing everybody to lower their living standards. I would hire people based on their skills and offer jobs for all skill levels..."

"Very well sir, I see you are using your head. Your punishment will be to help me form the new cabinet. NEXT!"

Two very bulky "Clerks" wearing visible "hearing aids" help the protestant toward a brightly lighted EXIT sign, while a new Protestant is allowed into the Presence...

On the way out, the First Protestant is still undecided -- what is better --

- death penalty,

or

- helping the P.M. form his cabinet?

By Raluca Popov
29 May. 2009